Sometimes we get so caught up in the whirlwind of life's chaos that we forget to live in the moment and really take it in. We get so caught up in the life that we are leading that we lose connection with one another, and most importantly ourselves. And sometimes, we become more concerned with our destination that we rob ourselves of being able to really appreciate our journey.
I'm always trying to get ahead. "Can't wait to do this, can't wait for that to happen, or need to hurry up and get here or there." I find myself chasing things that I believe will make my life more enjoyable and I am consistently focused on the next phase of life. I'm a planner, what can I say.
When my daughter was first born I said I couldn't wait until her and I could exchange words. I said I couldn't wait for her personality to grow and to watch her take her first steps. Gosh, I don't know what I was thinking. I would give anything just to go back and hold her as a newborn and to take in that fresh baby smell. I would even go back to changing diapers if it meant I could hold on to those moments a little bit longer. So here she is today, 7 years later, having conversations with me, running soccer fields and more independent than I would like her to be. Sometimes I stare at her while shes sleeping and think to myself, "if only life would slow down just a little bit, I wouldn't have to watch her grow up so quickly." Only, it's me that needs to just slow down and enjoy her journey.
When my husband and I were planning our wedding we would say that we couldn't wait for the day to come; and not because it was difficult to get there, it was because we couldn't wait to enjoy this incredible day with one another that we had put so much hard effort into. Little did we know though that your wedding day does not consist of simply just enjoying each other. Just the opposite in fact. I was so overwhelmed with the fact that our entire audience had their eyes locked on my every move and my every word during our ceremony that I just could not be present during such a special moment between my husband and I. Not to mention that I didn't even see him once we entered the reception because we had been so busy catching up with everyone else. And that's OK; our wedding day was incredible. The memories that we made with the ones we love are unforgettable. I only wish that I hadn't rushed through those crazy, silly and frustrating moments spent planning that unforgettable day and that I would have at least attempted to ignore everyone else, even if it were only for a minute, and just live in all of the moments that presented us that day.
My husband and I tried to conceive our second child for three years before we finally conceived with the help of an infertility clinic. We could't wait for the day to find out we were finally going to have another child, and once we found out that we were, we couldn't wait to meet that child that we had created. We knew this pregnancy was special and we knew that we were blessed. We knew that there was a chance that I could lose this pregnancy as I had lost a child before. Don't get me wrong, we enjoyed every moment of even the crazy hormones that came along with our miracle and that incredible feeling of being able to feel our baby move, but there was a part of us that wished it away. We were concerned with the destination rather than the journey itself. And who wouldn't be; what parent wouldn't count down each milestone of pregnancy along with the days until they were able to meet the tiny person that had been growing in their womb for the last nine months. We wished it away so much that it was taken from us before we had a chance to get to nine months of pregnancy. I went into preterm labor and gave birth to our son in my second trimester of pregnancy and we lost him. I spite myself for wishing those precious moments of pregnancy away. I didn't do it because I wanted it to be over. I did it because I couldn't wait to meet the miracle that we were finally given. Only, I didn't think that we would meet him as soon as we did and that we wouldn't ever have the chance to get to know him. We don't understand why this happened to us. The pain of losing a child is a pain that never really goes away and not a day goes by that I don't miss my pregnancy or the thought of having our son Brody here on earth with us. BUT, our loss has reminded us that in order to enjoy life's journey, we must be present; we must live in the moments that life presents us with. We must not concern ourselves with the destination. I like to think that we aren't really in control of our journey, we just have to be present for it.
And so, I attempt to enjoy each of those moments and be present for each of them to the best of my ability. Including the most frustrating and mundane ones that might seem meaningless. Because sometimes, if we just look a little bit deeper, we may find that everything we do in life takes meaning to our journey in some way, shape or form. For me, it's the moments that my daughter comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me while we're hurrying to brush our teeth and get out the door in the morning and I'm reminded to just slow down. Or when I've had a hard day at work and my last client tells me how much I've helped them, I am reminded of how rewarding my job can be and that I am lucky to even have a job. When my husband makes a joke, or when the dog does something funny that throws me into a fit of laughter, I reminded to just relax and take it all in. I learn patience after fighting crowds in Walmart on a Saturday and I find happiness in my everyday, mundane routine, even when it's rushed, because I know that I am alive and well, and God has been good to me. There is no denying, I am blessed. Together, as a family, we have it all. And even though we can't stop time, we can learn to move through life at a slower pace and just enjoy the journey.
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