Look No Further Than the Journey Itself

Sometimes we get so caught up in the whirlwind of life's chaos that we forget to live in the moment and really take it in.  We get so caught up in the life that we are leading that we lose connection with one another, and most importantly ourselves.  And sometimes, we become more concerned with our destination that we rob ourselves of being able to really appreciate our journey.

I'm always trying to get ahead.  "Can't wait to do this, can't wait for that to happen, or need to hurry up and get here or there."  I find myself chasing things that I believe will make my life more enjoyable and I am consistently focused on the next phase of life.  I'm a planner, what can I say.

When my daughter was first born I said I couldn't wait until her and I could exchange words.  I said I couldn't wait for her personality to grow and to watch her take her first steps.  Gosh, I don't know what I was thinking.  I would give anything just to go back and hold her as a newborn and to take in that fresh baby smell.  I would even go back to changing diapers if it meant I could hold on to those moments a little bit longer.  So here she is today, 7 years later, having conversations with me, running soccer fields and more independent than I would like her to be.  Sometimes I stare at her while shes sleeping and think to myself, "if only life would slow down just a little bit, I wouldn't have to watch her grow up so quickly."  Only, it's me that needs to just slow down and enjoy her journey.

When my husband and I were planning our wedding we would say that we couldn't wait for the day to come; and not because it was difficult to get there, it was because we couldn't wait to enjoy this incredible day with one another that we had put so much hard effort into.  Little did we know though that your wedding day does not consist of simply just enjoying each other.  Just the opposite in fact.  I was so overwhelmed with the fact that our entire audience had their eyes locked on my every move and my every word during our ceremony that I just could not be present during such a special moment between my husband and I.  Not to mention that I didn't even see him once we entered the reception because we had been so busy catching up with everyone else. And that's OK; our wedding day was incredible.  The memories that we made with the ones we love are unforgettable.  I only wish that I hadn't rushed through those crazy, silly and frustrating moments spent planning that unforgettable day and that I would have at least attempted to ignore everyone else, even if it were only for a minute, and just live in all of the moments that presented us that day.

My husband and I tried to conceive our second child for three years before we finally conceived with the help of an infertility clinic.  We could't wait for the day to find out we were finally going to have another child, and once we found out that we were, we couldn't wait to meet that child that we had created.  We knew this pregnancy was special and we knew that we were blessed.  We knew that there was a chance that I could lose this pregnancy as I had lost a child before.  Don't get me wrong, we enjoyed every moment of even the crazy hormones that came along with our miracle and that incredible feeling of being able to feel our baby move, but there was a part of us that wished it away. We were concerned with the destination rather than the journey itself.  And who wouldn't be; what parent wouldn't count down each milestone of pregnancy along with the days until they were able to meet the tiny person that had been growing in their womb for the last nine months.  We wished it away so much that it was taken from us before we had a chance to get to nine months of pregnancy.  I went into preterm labor and gave birth to our son in my second trimester of pregnancy and we lost him.  I spite myself for wishing those precious moments of pregnancy away.  I didn't do it because I wanted it to be over.  I did it because I couldn't wait to meet the miracle that we were finally given. Only, I didn't think that we would meet him as soon as we did and that we wouldn't ever have the chance to get to know him.  We don't understand why this happened to us.  The pain of losing a child is a pain that never really goes away and not a day goes by that I don't miss my pregnancy or the thought of having our son Brody here on earth with us.  BUT, our loss has reminded us that in order to enjoy life's journey, we must be present; we must live in the moments that life presents us with.  We must not concern ourselves with the destination.  I like to think that we aren't really in control of our journey, we just have to be present for it.  

And so, I attempt to enjoy each of those moments and be present for each of them to the best of my ability.  Including the most frustrating and mundane ones that might seem meaningless.  Because sometimes, if we just look a little bit deeper, we may find that everything we do in life takes meaning to our journey in some way, shape or form.  For me, it's the moments that my daughter comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me while we're hurrying to brush our teeth and get out the door in the morning and I'm reminded to just slow down.  Or when I've had a hard day at work and my last client tells me how much I've helped them, I am reminded of how rewarding my job can be and that I am lucky to even have a job.  When my husband makes a joke, or when the dog does something funny that throws me into a fit of laughter, I reminded to just relax and take it all in.  I learn patience after fighting crowds in Walmart on a Saturday and I find happiness in my everyday, mundane routine, even when it's rushed, because I know that I am alive and well, and God has been good to me.  There is no denying, I am blessed.  Together, as a family, we have it all.  And even though we can't stop time, we can learn to move through life at a slower pace and just enjoy the journey.  

Seeking the Seed of Triumph in Everyday Adversity

The life in which we live has obvious defining moments.  Those moments that we are set up for early on in life like graduating high school, getting a college degree, getting married and having children, etc.  From a very young age we are told that we have to be something; so begins our search for something BIG to define us.  We put so much pressure on the idea of having a legacy.  Maybe we want to define ourselves with something lasting; with something that makes a big impression on those that surround us.  Too often, however, we pay little attention to those moments that occur while reaching those defining moments.  Those little moments, the experiences that we gain and lessons that we learn are those that define us.  It's not the piece of paper you have framed on your wall that tells the world you have earned an education, or the ring on your left finger that shouts "I am a wife or I am a husband."  Those, my friends, are titles.  The moments that define us go unnoticed by others.  They are the depths in which we learn from each challenge and experience that life presents us with.  The moments that define us are humbling and eye opening.  

I am consistently presented with moments in my life that define me.  The moment that I earned the title of being a mother did not define me.  It was the moment that I looked into my newborn daughters eyes for the very first time that defined me.  It was because I learned the meaning of unconditional love; a love so strong that it brings tears to my eyes.  And then each moment since that has allowed me to grow with my daughter.  Each challenging, heart wrenching and "gosh I am just so lucky" moment.

Becoming a wife did not define me.  What defined me was what I learned about myself and my husband while planning our wedding day.  What defines me is who I am as a wife and my marriage alone.  Every nitpicking and/or heated argument that occurs because it's what I take from that to be better.  After all, I did vow to be a better me each and every day and to love my husband more tomorrow than I did today.

Dropping out of college my first go around did not define me, it was actually a huge turning point in my life and allowed me to find myself and decide who I needed to be. Because I was really unsure of who that person was for the first 22 years of my life.

Or the spilled milk on the floor.  This used to be a why does everything go wrong in my life moment.  A moment that would bring me so much anxiety and frustration because I usually had somewhere to be right when I needed to clean up the mess.  When I learned that it was just spilled milk, I discovered patience and that there are much bigger things in life.  Upon this discovery was also a defining moment.  Things happen, life happens and that's OK.  We are going to spill the milk and we are going to fail.  But we're also going to learn.  

For me, it is the biggest challenges that I have been presented with that have the most prevailing impact on who I am.  I was not blessed with the most perfect life; in fact, my childhood was full of disappointment and lack of parental support.  My adolescence was turbulent and my young adult hood life consisted with a lot of mistakes.  When I learned that I was going to be a mother my entire life changed.  And then it got even better when I found someone who was willing to love me despite all of my flaws.  I began to discover who I wanted to be and I started to build my life based on a foundation that contained all of life's lessons and experiences; good and bad.  In building my life with a tiny human being who I am privileged to call my daughter along with the man that I call my husband, I have faced many difficulties along the way.  Difficulties that have both challenged me and made me question my purpose as well as the existence of God yet have also led me to my greatest achievements.

Today, I am still making mistakes.  But I have come to realize that I am supposed to make mistakes because I am supposed to continue to grow, and to continue to discover who I am through those defining moments.  I am not blessed with the most perfect life.  Life continues to challenge me.  And each time I am faced with difficulty, every part of me shatters to the ground.  I lay there broken, wondering how the hell I will pick myself up again.  But then, by the grace of God, coincidence - whatever it may be, my life shifts again and I am blessed with a moment of grace that defies all negativity.  A moment that contributes in telling my story; one that defines my character and who I am.  

Throughout this blog you will find that I will reflect on some of these difficulties.  And I hope that you will see that you are not alone in your own life struggles.